feeling good, but still wondering WTF to do

It's been a somewhat stressful few weeks, but they've been significantly better than a lot of recent times, so I'm feeling pretty good about everything. They had a rocky start a week and a half ago when my dad told me that he had told my step-mom about this blog. She is a good person, but she is also somebody who will never ever, not ever, never see poker in any kind of positive context. Gambling is wrong, poker is gambling, ergo poker is bad. Trying to explain it or doing anything else to change her mind about that is a complete waste of time, and add onto everything the fact that she and I have never gotten along all that well (although we seem to do just fine recently) makes it all the worse. I really don't need/want her in my hair (or in my dad's for that matter!) about how horrible gambling is. Her response when I told my dad that I had made a few thousand dollars bonus-hustling non-poker casinos online (back before you had to wager 40x to clear the damned thing) was to cut me off financially and watch my bank account like a hawk. (Nevermind that they now finally have as much in the stock market as they did 12 years ago—I'm not sure if that's a low blow mentioning it; it's not supposed to be—it's just supposed to be an example of how most things involve some sort of gamble, even something as “safe” as the stock market, which is a positive expectation roughly equivalent to [amount_inflation + amount_capitol_gains_tax], or 6-10 percent per year, on average, based on my best estimation.)

Now I know my dad only showed my blog to her because so much of it is insanely depressing and misery-ridden, and he was worried about my general well being and didn't know what to do—so while I appreciate the effort, I still think it was not a very smart thing to do.

So that kind of annoyed me for a few days, but after that I started to get a little sick. I also went to see a friend I haven't seen in a while, helped my mom out a little over the weekend while she was also sick, and went to a home poker game. In doing all that, I neglected to go see my dad, which further convinced him that I'm still upset and that I am avoiding him, and although I'm not and I wasn't, I feel bad that he thinks that.

I didn't play hardly any cash games other than the home game, but I've gotten really into Sit n Go's the past few weeks as just some different to do (variety is the spice of life, yada yada yada, blah blah blah), and I've made about $250 in the past few weeks just playing those. I've also staked a friend for a little bit just to keep money in action while I'm haven't playing as much cash, and made about a hundred off of that so far, and I made just over $200 at the home game I went to (with 0.10/0.25 cent blinds, it was about 85% of the money in play). So for not playing too much over the past few weeks, I've still managed to rack up a five hundred dollar profit, which is nice.

That home game is a lot of fun. It's got two decent players and many awful players, so it's a good combination of interesting hands and profit. It's also fun because all the guys there are really nice people, so it's a lot of fun to be there and relax with good people, especially since I'm such a hermit up here in Seattle and don't get out much. I didn't realize how much I won until the end, and I know I gave away at least $80 in bad play because I just didn't take it too seriously.

I'm thinking I might see, just for fun, if I can get every penny on the table next time. That would be interesting to try—one of the two decent players only plays “good” starting hands and therefore makes a lot of one pair hands and just gets himself into trouble because he never knows when he's good and when he's not. This leads him to consistently make big folds because he is terrified of making an atrocious call post flop. He will do this until he loses about 2/3 of his stack, and then he will wait until he has some kind of decent high cards, not necessarily great cards because by this point he is tilting a bit, and then just get all in preflop and hope for the best. The last two games he has been at (which do not include this last one), I have dealt the final blow; both times he went with queen-jack suited, both times I had aces, and both times he did not suck out.

The other decent player is the host of the game, and he plays much better post flop but still a bit scared—but only against me. He's a bit of a rock against me and I'm never going to get too much out of him. So if I really want to actually get all the money on the table, I'm going to have to do one or both of two things: make a few really big steals, and/or become a “chip reflector” while in pots with him and somebody else. That is, I would have to dump a little of my own dead money into the pot in order to insure the fishier players stay in and draw out. I could also probably just re-raise him and bully him constantly (poker-wise) and not allow him to make any money off the fish because I keep isolating and trapping him—but that would be less profitable than the first few choices, and that would also be very obvious and mean, and I like going to that game and want to be invited back. The first two choices (making big steals and being a chip reflector) also have the added benefit of not looking like I'm trying to rape the game. They just look like a) I caught some hands, and b) I'm in there gambling it up like I always do. Then I just play decent poker against the worse players and take the money. I might lose some equity trying to turn this into a winner-take-all sit n go rather than the cash game that it is, but it would just be such an interesting thing to try, and I have such a huge edge in that game anyway, that I think it's worth it, just for the fun and learning. It really is a great game with good people though, so I hope that nobody finds this blog and is offended by it, because I truly enjoy the company of these people. The guy I like the most is the biggest loser in the game, but he's always a little drunk, very friendly and interesting, and we split a pizza order last game. (He's also the cousin of a guy I didn't like very well in high school, and who was friends with another guy that I absolutely hated... but of course I'm never going to just randomly pipe up and say “dude your cousin was a douche bag”.) So sitting in position on him has the added benefit of being able to chat with him all game—although I might have to sacrifice that if I am going to go through my my experiment.

I'll have to think about where the optimal seat would be in order to do that. I think having the host be in position on the bad players, then my sitting in position on the host, and the other good player who went with QJs sitting in position on me, and the bad players between him and the host, would be the best arrangement for my experiment but I'm not 100% about that. The host also sits at the head of the table, so I would have to show up early to the next game to make sure I got the right seat. (He makes people scootch over between the table and the wall, so everybody can fit—so by the time I normally get there, I always have to sit to his right.)

I've also gotten fairly sick the past few days and have been sleeping in 3 and 4 hour spurts rather than getting a full night each day, so that has sucked. If I were born a few hundred years ago, I would have died by now I think. I get sick very often, and without Western medicine I would have no chance. An Immodium a day keeps the runs away!

Oh also, my coach friend Erik is an official coach for a well known site now, and he's listed on the coaching forum but he's getting himself all tied up about it and annoyed that he doesn't have like 20 people contacting him yet even though it's been less than a week. He keeps threatening to take it down, which annoys the balls off of me because he already put so much work into it and it can only bring good things to have it there—although he always counteracts that argument by saying the stress he gets from having it up and not having any contacts is greater than the possibility somebody will contact him and he will be able to help them, which is of course bullshit IMO. It just boggles me that he's so bothered by it. It's a good thing, and even if it doesn't pan out to anything it was still a good opportunity. And the effort required to keep it up is literally “stop being upset about it being up and forget it's there”. So I will be super pissed if he takes it down. It's like, dude why would you screw yourself like that for no good reason. He's a really good person and good coach though and I hope he does get some more students both for his sake and for theirs.

So that's the update on my end. My friends are still going through rough times, but things are looking up for both of them, so I can only hope that time and better fortune will heal all wounds.

-Max

trying to figure out what to do with my life... again

Last week (starting Tuesday) started off decently well—I was pumped to have started a race to get to 10K hands, but I very quickly burned out. After a few days and 3500 hands, I was not doing so hot. I played a little bit over the next few days, and then on Saturday I was doing well for a few hours, and then after about 600 hands, I shot down like 5 buy-ins within 200 hands. Ugh. You can see an 800 hand session in my stats below which has that mice little blip in it.

But the major thing about this was that it made me realize how quickly I have been losing my confidence the past few months and how easily upset I get. I never used to be bothered by downswings, and I was always able to overcome them. But the past few months have been bad but greatly compounded by my getting so upset and not being able to jump back into it.

So I took a few days off and tried to figure out why, and it's because I'm just scared to death. I'm banking on poker because I just have absolutely no other options. I'm both scared of failing (since poker is kind of the only option) and I hate having a life that I don't like and a life that makes me feel like a failure. I know from my records that the time I play best is when I am happy and confident in my game. I have to be sure I am going to know the right play in order to know what the right play is, basically. But lately, even when I go in pumped, it takes very very little to tilt me or upset me or otherwise incapacitate me (poker wise).

So I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don't think that there's a way to “fix” my poker without “fixing” my life. And I'm banking on poker to fix my life, but it's so much tougher because I'm relying on it so much—so this circle obviously isn't going to work! I spent over a year looking for a job I didn't hate, and the only job I got was dealing, which I hated, and I only got that job because my dad lived next store to the owner of the card room. So I'm kind of inclined to think I can't do anything else besides poker, as tough as poker has been lately. This has made me consider the logistics of just taking what money I can scrounge up and just going back to Vegas like right now, and just jumping in and seeing if I make it, because I hate where I am with my life and I have no other choices. Even with my tilting and difficulties, I still average 1.9ptbb and if I played even a mere 20K hands a month of 1-2 NL online, with rakeback that would still be $2000-$2500, which is much more than I'd need to live on, and I'd play some live too, which is soooo soft.

But that just seems way too risky, especially since I don't know for sure that I'll “feel better” once I'm back down there, which means there's no guarantee I'll play even acceptable poker. And it would be a psychological final blow for me, to go back to Vegas and fail once again, so I don't want to go back unless I know for sure I can stay.

So I'm back to square one, scared to death to do any thing, and unable to continue where I am. Awesome. Oh, and two of my closest friends are going through about the shittiest time in their lives too. Double awesome.

Lopping off the C game

It's been a fairly decent week. Nothing too big to speak of. I think I've been playing extremely well although I found a few hands where I think I just butchered them. Still I think I have been playing about a 4-6 ptbb game and I think if I can continue to keep emotionally stable and increase the amount of time that I can play, and continue to work on my “A” game as well as my “C” game (or, as I refer to it, my “F” game) I could easily be an even bigger long term winner. I have been trying to work at “lopping off the C game” which just means that I am trying to get better at my bad poker and reduce the frequency of my bad poker.

Rather than trying to get my best poker game even better by learning more tricks and watching videos and reading books and on and on, I am trying to increase the amount of time I can play my best game, and I am also trying to make my poorer games less poor. I am in effect trying to reduce the gap between my good play and my bad play, so that my play is consistent.

If I can do that, and if I can play longer hours, then getting better is merely a problem of putting the effort in, since I think I am smart enough and good enough to be able to understand and properly apply most any concept or tool I find in videos and books.

Right now, playing good poker is a problem of always checking on my emotions and wondering if I am going to tilt, not playing too many hands because I burn out quickly, etc. I feel I am closing the gap between my best and my worst poker little by little, but it is very difficult. I have watched a few Stox Poker videos by Jared Tendler about this and I think he's got some decent advice. One piece I liked was about writing down all the aspects of my game, so I have started a list, but it is certainly not complete. The current list is at the end of this blog entry.

I also have been looking at my financial situation, and I have come up with a decent working plan for my future. I think I will stay in Seattle here until January or maybe February and if I keep putting in the hands and hours, I should have enough saved up where I can move back to Vegas and have enough money to play 200NL online. Then hopefully within a few months I can save up enough where I can also regularly play 2/5 live which is very juicy, and which is also more interesting and fun than online poker. I also want to stay in Seattle until early next year to find out if a contact at Boeing can end up getting me a job there which would pay about $50K.

If I get it, I can take that job and save up very very quickly and halt my getting-back-to-Vegas plan for a year or two, and if I don't, like I said, I hope to have enough to be able to make it on my own two feet by then. We'll see what happens. I am at least optimistic about my future, which I haven't been in a while, and it feels nice.

I forgot to make a screen cap this week, so I just have my stats and then my current list of aspects of my poker game which I mentioned earlier. I also have started a weekly 10K hands contest with my friend Edals, and although it's no 50K hands challenge, it's still enough to motivate us both to put in more hands, and it will also be good practice to see if I can put in 10K of actual GOOD play, as opposed to just getting the hands in no matter how shitty I am doing! He wanted a week by week challenge because he has some other things going on and is not sure if he can commit to it every week, but I definitely could use the motivation, so I pleaded with him to do the challenge and he kindly caved.

--My Poker Game-- (Incomplete list)

I. My Current A Game

--A. Having fun

--B. Able to focus without difficulty

--C. Can very easily tell what people have because I recognize their betting actions and I interpret stats without my own bias

--D. Use similar lines against them with different hands in order to make them think I have what they'd have in that situation.

--E. Very cognizant of my image and can sense the "timing" of a session so I know when people are likely to play back at me or let me run them over.

--F. Can make loose calls and tight folds when it's appropriate given the circumstances, and can recognize those circumstances without effort. I know the right play and I do it without worry; I do not attempt to justify one action over another based on what I want to be true rather than what is true.

--G. Red line stays about even, maybe slightly negative. I have very few, if any, big non-showdown losses.

--H. I frustrate my opponents

II. My Current B- Game

--A. I am not having fun.

--B. I sometimes go on autopilot. (My autopilot is a losing autopilot.)

--C. I play more than 5 tables

--D. I don't feel like I'm able to play but try to force it anyway because I have not put in enough A game hours.

--E. I try to justify some moves, which aren't too bad, but still are losers in the long run.

--F. I am consistently wrong about what people have because I am clouding my judgment with other things and projecting onto them.

--G. I try to play "solid poker" by having set preflop standards and set betting lines rather than just trying to focus on beating up the other players at the table. This "solid poker" is a very steady losing game I have.

--H. I am emotionally unstable and cannot focus and even when I try to focus, I am wrong.

--I. I get easily frustrated, and even when I calm down, I am still on soft tilt, often without realizing it.

--J. I don't think ahead in the hand as often, which leads to folding in later streets, which leads to much larger non-showdown losses (which in no way contribute to increasing my showdown wins).

--K. My B- game is one bet/call/raise away from my F game.

III. My Current F Game

--A. I am not having fun.

--B. In two words: I tilt. Even when I have not had a "bad beat" or have been run over, I let other frustrations of my life seep into my game, which causes me to play poorly, which causes me to either lose or get even more upset (because I'm playing poorly and know it) or more likely, both. I stop when I see this happening, but I don't always see it, and it happens frequently enough that it's prohibitive to any long term success to just quit when it happens.

--C. Sometimes during my F game, I view poker as a "who's got a bigger dick" contest instead of a game that I am amazing at (or rather, amazing at when I am at my best). I get frustrated at being run over and force a stand when it's clearly the wrong time to do so, rather than recognizing the situation and my image and my opponents adjusted range and snapping him off, or rather than simply changing tables or seats.

--D. I make calls or shoves (shoves that I know will be called) with hands that I know are going to lose.

--E. I can see all of these things happening but do not stop them.

IV. My Ideal Game

--A. (Haven't made a list yet.)