Life is OK

The past few years have been a little difficult, but just free-form writing things down seems like a good therapeutic way to get things out, so I figured what better way to update my blog!  I also just finished writing my reasons why the whole NSA spying scandal is such a big deal, so that should be the other post listed here on blogspot.  I might also post that to facebook.

Anyway, the poker team broke apart in late-mid 2012, which really sucked.  There was also a handful of shitty things that happened, which involve other people so I'm not really comfortable talking about, which happened about the same time.  I had a mini mental breakdown and also got really depressed for a while, but for at the minimum the past few months, I've definitely been over that and reasonably happy just trucking along.  I certainly feel mentally "hardened" which is neat and useful but also a bit scary and depressing.  It's good feeling like you can get through tough times, but it's a bit darker of a world to live in knowing such tough times are possible.  Oh well-- like I said, I'm on the other side of all of it and feeling pretty happy on a day to day basis.

When team broke apart, my playing bankroll instantly got cut down to 1/4 of what it was previously, but I dumped a fair bit into bitcoins, which even though they've been volatile, have definitely gone up since I bought them, and I've also been playing a lot.  I signed up to deal at the World Series, but the pay was so bad, the other dealers so annoying, that I quit after a few weeks.  Before the Series, I had about $30K actual cash on hand (that figure is including bitcoin value) from saving up over the years in addition to paying my bills, but bitcoin prices have dropped a bit since then and my 5-10 and few buyins worth of 10-20 shots all went terribly, so with all that combined, I'm back down to just below $20K.  That's certainly good enough for 2-5 live and 1-2 or even 2-4 online, but now that I'm on my own again and going bust is an end-of-the world disaster, my bankroll-nit ways are creeping back up again, so I've mostly been playing 1-2 live and microstakes for bitcoins on Seals, since my VPN Stars setup was just such a giant pain.  I've also been tilting almost every session lately, which makes it so I really just can't play.  While I've had tilt issues in the past, I've never had them this bad and they've never been this hard to get rid of.  Before, I used to feel it creeping up on me and recognize the itch to start making bad calls and reckless plays, and I could outright push it away or at least recognize it and walk away.  Now, it's more akin to an alien hand syndrome where I am simply overcome and make atrocious plays and can't stop myself.  I've always prided myself on sort of being a consummate professional, and this is just outright embarrassing.  It also puts me out of work.  Which is really really bad.

With that, and having much less money that I thought I would at this point in time, I'm really feeling frustrated and antsy.  I see so many people I know with families and nice homes and doing well.  I see poker friends with less money taking shots and doing well at higher stakes.  I am happy for them, but I also feel-- not jealous of what they have, but sort of ashamed that I've lost the courage to take the shots and risks necessary to get there myself.  I also feel like I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.  And it's weird because I'm completely comfortable and happy where I am, but I feel a lot of pressure from family and society that I should be doing more and doing different things.  So I feel kind of lost and not sure what to do and not sure what to feel, and I feel bad that I don't know how I "should" feel.  (And then of course I have an itch that I should be doing something more beneficial to the world than playing a fucking card game.)  So lately I've been feeling very directionless.

I've also been spending more time trying to learn to program in Java, specifically for Android apps, because I think that's the most useful, and it'll teach me Java anyways, which is transferable.  I have an idea for a relatively simple app, but even getting started on it is just taking forEVER.  I knew I'd get stuck at the first step and it'd be a much longer road than I'd anticipated, but I'm stuck before I've even taken the first step.  It's insanely frustrating to get in a jam so early, and a BIG jam too.  And I don't even know enough to fix it yet, so diagnosing and fixing it is ENORMOUSLY more complicated for me than it would be for anybody else.  Such is life.  This is the best way to learn.

Anyway, as depressing as all this may be, it is all background noise to my day to day life, which on the whole has been fairly pleasant.  I may not have accomplished much in the past few weeks, but I had a nice break-- took a hiking trip to Zion in Utah, I've caught up on some reading, learned more about Android and Java, and made a video for facebook friends about how to protect their e-mails in the wake of all the NSA.  I also, at the recommendation of a friend, started a few episodes of House of Cards on Netflix.  It's an excellent show but the idea that things work that way -- not even that they necessarily do, but the very idea that it's perfectly possible and plausible-- is disturbing and bothersome beyond measure.  And it would make complete sense that it works that way too.  So while I enjoy the show, it still really bothers me.  I just don't "get" politics-- in any form.  I speak plainly; I say what I mean and mean what I say; I give the whole truth.  If I defend an idea or person or thing I need, I explain the situation fully and expect the logic behind my reasoning and humanity of the other person to prevail.  I view my interactions as economic win-wins, and I don't try to benefit by concealing things.  I simply view it both as unethical and also unnecessary and more trouble than it's worth.  So interacting with people who DO conceal things and play politics-- be it business/governmental politics or the more common social maneuvering -- that kind of thing is entirely foreign to me, and I just don't interact with people who act that way with me.  Poker, for all its frustrations and downfalls, allows me to not rely financially on others for getting by in life, which means I have no incentive to deceive them (not that I would anyway).  So all of the people in my life know that I am just straightforward with them.  And I expect the same of them.  If you don't value me enough to be honest and straight with me, then our relationship really can't be that close or valuable can it?  Anyway, ya, fuck Congress if it operates like House of Cards.  Jesus.

So I guess I don't have much going on in the way of actual news.  And I'm not really sad or anything on a day to day basis.  (I was going to say I'm not depressed on a day to day basis, but I think I might actually be!...)  I'm just trucking along, for the most part pretty happy, but frustrated with my place in life but still not sure what I even really WANT in life.  But I'll be OK.  I'll figure it out-- I always do.